Resoluting Anew

A whole year missed.
It's amazing to me how time slips through our fingers. There is never quite enough of it to go round. I have so many plans, so many things rattling around in my head and the list of things to do only gets longer.
It has taken me a long time to realise that when I am depressed, I close myself off. I withdraw from everyone including my loved ones and family. I haven't seen some of my family for almost a year and I haven't been visiting my mums or anyone for months. I made a promise to my Dad before he died that I would make more effort with the family and I am failing miserably. It's not because I don't like them, it's more because I just can't stand to be around people right now.
It has been a difficult year, C has been in and out of work and money has been tight. Due to new, but totally inadequate, computer systems at work I have been taking opportunity to work loads of overtime. This has been leaving little time for anything else. When I do have time, my head is so overloaded that I don't have the capacity to think so I fill the hours with mindless tv. I can't hold a decent conversation with anyone and when I try, my mind wanders and I end up standing there looking like an imbecile. My brain is so fried.
C is thinking of going back to school. I think this is a great idea but it scares me a little. The responsibility of earning the money to pay the bills is going to remain on my shoulders for quite a while longer and I don't know if I have it in me to continue working the hours I am. I want him to find a job that makes him happy though. I can't stand having two depressed people in the house.
A long time ago C made me a promise that he would make me smile every day. He has managed to maintain this for ten years. He has a wonderful playful nature, a childlike quality that I lost in myself a long long time ago. If not for him I would probably be reliant on medication.
I admit I am jealous. I would love to be able to go back to school. I would love to be doing a job I enjoy, whether it is writing, teaching or running a little second-hand book store. It's not because I am sick of accounts because I still enjoy the work. I just have become so jaded with the company I work for.
So what am I going to do to pull myself up? Well, I am not really one for New Year Resolutions but I need something to get me living again. There are so many things I loved to do that I don't get time to do anymore. So many hobbies that I have neglected in exchange for a paycheck. So I have signed up for a dance class! When I was little I dreamt of being a ballerina. I desperately wanted Ballet Lessons but we could not afford it. So Mum enrolled me in a Ballroom and Latin class instead. I was so disappointed I wanted to cry but Mum was so proud of herself for finding what she thought would be an affordable alternative that I didn't have the heart to tell her it was Ballet or nothing. So I went for her sake and soon found I loved it. It only lasted a couple of years until we moved away but I remember fondly my dance teacher Percy who was always impeccably dressed and smelled so strongly of breath mints.
I searched for dance classes in the area and found that there was a beginner's class due to start next week in the very hall where I used to go all those years ago. It seemed like fate. So I begin a ten week course next week. It might well be a fool's errand trying to recapture those happy moments from my past but I am hoping this will give me the kick I need to focus on the happy moments in my present and look towards the happy moments to come in the future.