Compromise Is Not An Option.

I am a firm believer that every person is born with a natural talent. Discovering your hidden talent is the key to success and happiness in this life. It will bring you peace and contentedness. Not only is it something you are effortlessly good at, it will be something you never tire of doing. Not necessarily a job, more a vocation, a calling. It may not be something you earn a living from but it will be something you love. Finding this talent does not come easy to all people. Some people find it early some, like me, are still searching.

I had dreams once. I had many dreams. I had ambition and drive. I'm a Capricorn I supposed to be ambitious!

At what point did my dreams get dashed. (Did I just use the word dashed?!?) When did I stop believing in myself and start believing what other people told me? When did I lose that fearlessness, that self-belief and confidence that everyone has when they're young. Did I ever really have it!

Looking back I think I was always a submissive person. I gave in and gave up far too easily. To avoid confrontation I would compromise too soon. I believed too readily opinions I now know were born from jealousy and bitterness. Basically I was a push over. I was always too afraid to speak up or put my foot down. I became the person people wanted me to be instead of the one I dreamt of being. Even when I got married I let my husband dictate where I went and what I wore. I was so completely brain-washed by the time I got divorved, I couldn't even remember what colours I liked or what my favourite food was. I was so scared of disappointing anyone I didn't realise the only person I was letting down was myself.

Today, I am as different from that shy little girl as one can be. I have travelled to the other end of the spectrum. I have become hard and unforgiving. I alienate people not because I want to be alone but because I will not compromise on my ideals. I don't care if I upset people with the truth. I don't even care if no-one likes me. I am obnoxiously judgemental and self-righteous. I finally realised that I spent too long considering other people's feelings and foregoing my own. I see no point in pretending to be who I am not anymore. Of course, the person I am now isn't the real me either. This is just the healing stage I am going through on my way to recovery. I am having to be selfish and stubborn to try and win back the control I gave away too easily.

The truth is I don't like myself now any more than I liked myself back then. Someday soon I hope I can relax my defences a little but until then the bitch is here to stay.

I am not any closer to finding my dreams but I am a lot closer to finding the real me. I just hope I like her when she gets here.

Old Ladies and Old Men

BOOK CHALLENGE 31/1000 (37)

Well, I'm seriously behind schedule now because I was seriously distracted by other things and other books. It's week 20 so I should have read around 40 books from the list. Never mind, I'm sure I'll catch up. The summer is coming and I am determined to get out there and tan my pasty white legs. Sunbathing and reading go hand in hand for me so roll on sunshine!
Anyway, I did manage to slip Murder at the Vicarage by Agatha Christie into my busy schedule. This was the last Christie book on the list and probably my least favourite. I am not a great fan of Miss Marple either on the page or on the screen but I could see why this one was chosen. As usual I didn't have a clue who the murderer was until it was revealed.

BOOK CHALLENGE 32/1000 (38)

Along with all the books I have uploaded onto my ebook reader, I have a little stack of books from the library. No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy was at the top of the pile. The author doesn't use any speech marks in his writing which takes a little getting used to. I thought this was peculiar when reading The Road and quite wrongly assumed that it was specific to that book. This book alternates between first person and third person narration and there is a marked difference in language and style between the two. (Unlike The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger which I read a few weeks back). Of the two McCarthy books on the list, I preferred this one.

Eyes Filled Up With Blue

I drove all the way to Bristol this evening to see Jace Everett and I dragged C along with me. (Not exactly kicking and screaming but not far off it). For those people who haven't heard of Jace Everett, he's best known for the song "Bad Things" (Main Theme to the vampire series True Blood).

The venue, St Bonaventure's Club, is a tiny little place barely big enough to hold 200 people. It reminded me of the working men's clubs my dad used to take us to as kids. It smelled similar and had the same chairs and decor too! It definitely wasn't the kind of place I expected and I actually felt a little embarrassed to be there. However, all was forgiven as soon as Jace stepped on stage with his best friend Dan Cohen and started playing.

I'll admit that I had never heard of Jace before I started watching True Blood. I loved the theme song immediately but just assumed it was a one off made for the show. It wasn't until I was having a random scoot on You Tube a few weeks ago that I came across a few more tracks and his spoof documentary entitled "How to Become an Overnight Sensation".

This is not your typical Country artist. It is not all twang and heartaches. There are some definite "Heart" songs on his albums but it's the bluesier, darker tracks I prefer like Bad Things, The Angel Loves The Devil Out of Me, Damned if I Do and Possession. They have a deep raunchy sound that just makes me quiver! Thankfully he performed all of these and loads more. I know his earlier shows included a full band but I didn't feel we missed out at all only having Jace and Dan. It suited the intimate setting perfectly. A quick word about Dan Cohen - Man that boy can play!

In my usual fashion I came late to the party. By the time I found out he was in the UK touring, he had already performed his London dates. Hence the long drive to Bristol. Was it worth the five hour round trip? Abso-effing-lutely!

Some singers aren't as good live. Jace Everett was better with bells on.

A Trip to the Country

I've mentioned before that I have a very eclectic music collection. I listen to different artists depending on my mood or activity. I like stuff you can sing along to or that tell a story. I hold singers that write their own songs above all other artists. That's probably why I listen to a lot of Country Music.

It's not easy to live in Britain and like Country Music. We don't have any Country Radio stations or Country Music TV Channels any more. Thankfully a lot of American Country stations stream live on the internet but it's not always the most convenient way to listen.

C wasn't into any country music until we went to Florida together. I don't think he'd even heard of Garth Brooks! Local Radio out there introduced us to Keith Urban, Toby Keith, Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Sugarland and loads more. He came home a fan.

Very few Country artists tour in the UK and when they do it's not always well promoted. That said, we went to Glasgow last November to see Toby Keith. We could have seen him in Hammersmith but we fancied making a weekend of it, plus I prefer smaller venues. Toby was absolutely brilliant. C was especially impressed that he sounded just as good if not better than the CD! That's another reason I like Country artists. They earn their record contracts. They learn their trade in clubs and bars long before ever seeing the inside of a recording studio.

Next week we're going to Bristol to see Jace Everett. He's a recent addition to my CD collection and by chance he's touring Europe at the moment. I missed out on the London dates so a 2 hour drive to Bristol it is. In June we're at Shepherd's Bush to see Brad Paisley.

Apparently it's not that hard to find Country Music in the UK after all.

Crime Fighting

BOOK CHALLENGE 29/1000 (35)
The book challenge continues on at a steady pace. Sidetracked by Henning Mankell became book number twenty-nine. A new author for me but one I will pick up again when I get the chance. I've been so used to reading American or British crime novels, this was a pleasant change.

BOOK CHALLENGE 30/1000 (36)
Double Indemnity by James M Cain was also read this week. I wasn't overly impressed by the other Cain book on the list. This one did nothing for me either. It's only redeeming point was it is short. Based on reading two of his books, I am guessing that he had a very low opinion of women. Not my cup of tea at all.

I'm having a little break for a couple of weeks. I wanted to read a few of the books I've bought recently that aren't on the list plus I've been trying to make my way through all Laurel Hamilton's Anita Blake series.

No News is Good News

I haven't found anything much to blog about lately. Most of my entries on this blog have been about the reading challenge I set myself at the beginning of the year. I haven't even found the need to update my other blog, the angry one. Everything has been moving along at its usual subdued pace. Plod plod plod. Work, home, work, home. Same old, same old.

I wanted 2010 to be a better year. I had reached 40 and had a light bulb moment. I was going to do more with my life. Unfortunately, I didn't quite decide what that meant. So five months in and I haven't done a lot to overhaul my life. I set myself the reading challenge to improve my brain, I have started a fitness programme to improve my body and I have organised a few nights out to improve my spirit. Is this enough? Much of what I would like to do involves spending money we haven't got at the moment. So, a lot of ideas I have will have to wait until we are in a better position financially.

Until then I will just have to continue plodding along.

Just for Laughs

D said, "Would you like to come on my sister's Hen Night?" "Sure," I said.

I must remember next time to check whether things are fancy dress before I open my mouth and say yes. I never liked the 80's when I lived them. The most I followed fashion back then was a pair of ski pants and a tube of blue mascara. I never wore leg warmers or neon. I didn't own a ra-ra skirt or fingerless gloves. I thought it was terrible back then and as you can see from the photo, it still looks terrible.

We went to The Comedy Tree in Putney and although the place stank really really bad (problems with the drains by the smell of it), the comedians didn't. I laughed my arse off.