Compromise Is Not An Option.

I am a firm believer that every person is born with a natural talent. Discovering your hidden talent is the key to success and happiness in this life. It will bring you peace and contentedness. Not only is it something you are effortlessly good at, it will be something you never tire of doing. Not necessarily a job, more a vocation, a calling. It may not be something you earn a living from but it will be something you love. Finding this talent does not come easy to all people. Some people find it early some, like me, are still searching.

I had dreams once. I had many dreams. I had ambition and drive. I'm a Capricorn I supposed to be ambitious!

At what point did my dreams get dashed. (Did I just use the word dashed?!?) When did I stop believing in myself and start believing what other people told me? When did I lose that fearlessness, that self-belief and confidence that everyone has when they're young. Did I ever really have it!

Looking back I think I was always a submissive person. I gave in and gave up far too easily. To avoid confrontation I would compromise too soon. I believed too readily opinions I now know were born from jealousy and bitterness. Basically I was a push over. I was always too afraid to speak up or put my foot down. I became the person people wanted me to be instead of the one I dreamt of being. Even when I got married I let my husband dictate where I went and what I wore. I was so completely brain-washed by the time I got divorved, I couldn't even remember what colours I liked or what my favourite food was. I was so scared of disappointing anyone I didn't realise the only person I was letting down was myself.

Today, I am as different from that shy little girl as one can be. I have travelled to the other end of the spectrum. I have become hard and unforgiving. I alienate people not because I want to be alone but because I will not compromise on my ideals. I don't care if I upset people with the truth. I don't even care if no-one likes me. I am obnoxiously judgemental and self-righteous. I finally realised that I spent too long considering other people's feelings and foregoing my own. I see no point in pretending to be who I am not anymore. Of course, the person I am now isn't the real me either. This is just the healing stage I am going through on my way to recovery. I am having to be selfish and stubborn to try and win back the control I gave away too easily.

The truth is I don't like myself now any more than I liked myself back then. Someday soon I hope I can relax my defences a little but until then the bitch is here to stay.

I am not any closer to finding my dreams but I am a lot closer to finding the real me. I just hope I like her when she gets here.