A Slow Recovery

Last January, I jokingly named 2010 "The Year Things Broke". Later, I revised it to "The Year Things Died". By New Year's Eve I was convinced I had cursed us all. What started as a joke had become a nightmare. An early morning rush to the hospital, and the worst imaginable had become reality. Everything since that night has become a surreal blur. My world has been turned upside down, inside out and torn to shreds. I walk around on autopilot, going through the motions but barely conscious.

The grief comes in waves. A slow ebb back and forth, alternating between sadness and sobbing. A song on the radio, a chance remark by someone and I'm off again. People tell you it gets better with time and I know they are right but the truth is I don't want to feel better. I don't want to move on. I just want to sit here feeling sad and sick.

I haven't seen my family since the day after the funeral and the longer I leave it, the harder it becomes. Going round to my Dad's knowing he's never going to be there again feels too hard right now. It's too much of a reminder that he's gone. I know they wouldn't want me to lock myself away but it's what I need right now.

My Father, My Hero.

Peter Alefounder

31 Oct 1944 - 30 Dec 2010

Dad,

I want you to know I'm okay. Nothing makes any sense and every inch of me hurts more than I ever thought possible but I'm okay. I still can't believe you're gone. Maybe I just don't want to believe it. It's easier to think that any minute now you're going to knock on the door. You'll have something tucked under your arm that you've rescued from somewhere, certain that it's just the thing I've always needed to make my life better. Or maybe you're going to ring and invite me out to the karaoke and we'll go and have a good sing and a few drinks.
The last time we had a good heart-to-heart you were worried that you hadn't done right by me. I want you to know that you did just fine. There may have been a time when I doubted you but as I grew up I realised that you always did all you could to try and make sure I wasn't left out. I think you were worried that I didn't forgive you for leaving me behind but I did that a long long time ago. I never blamed you or anyone else. I should have told you that more.
We might not have had a good start but we got there in the end. Finding that little something we had in common was just what we needed. It may seem crazy to some people that karaoke brought us together but it did. Our love of singing bound us together and gave us a special connection we were able to build on. We had some great laughs and I have some great memories that I will cherish forever.
You always tried to instill in me how important family was and this was always where we disagreed. While I thought that you can love your family but still dislike them, you told me that I had to look past everyone's faults and just love them anyway. I could never figure out if you could never see the bad in anyone or you just didn't like airing dirty laundry in public. Either way, you never had a bad word to say about anyone and we all loved you for that.
I might never be able to forgive as readily as you seemed to be able to do but I promise I will try.
There is so much I wish I'd told you. Mostly I hope you know how much I love you and how proud I am to be your daughter.

Love always

Sally